Mouldi's (the average Joe) Guide To Surviving Tunisia
Updated: Jun 28
For a spot on the map nicknamed "Tunisia the green" (the English translation makes it weird, not my fault), it offly doesn't live up to the nickname. Yellow is a more suitable color, the color of sand bulleted inside your mouth as a gust of wind blows it off all over you on a humiliating, hot, humid summer day; such as this one.
As much as Tunisia has to offer to its inhabitants, the people made it insufferable. If you give me the choice between a dystopian version of the world and current Tunisia, I'd choose Tunisia. Come on, I survived so far. I might as well keep grinding.
Enough banter and let me help you to Mouldi's guide to surviving Tunisia.
1. Survival Tactic Number1: Embrace The Culture
No shit Sherlock, right? As obvious as this may seem, lots of us forget to do so. A good portion of the population is hypnotized by the glamour the American media brainwashed us with. We consume TV shows, movies, YouTube videos to a point where we disconnect with our bleak reality: we're still in Tunisia. And if that's not enough to sedate us, we turn to Instagram to drool over what the rich, the powerful, the lucky, and the hot ones are doing.
Face it, people, our culture is different. Embrace it, adapt to it, and work with it.
2. Survival Tactic Number 2: Learn Tunisia's Road Rules
I know what you're thinking: we got road rules? Euh... Kind of? They're subtle and embedded within the culture.
Ignore the official rules that a police officer can book you for.
You can skip the red light in the following conditions:
When on a motorcycle -
When there's little to zero risk of getting into an accident -
When there's no police around and feel like being a jerk to other people
Road rage, excessive honking, and glaring at dumbasses cutting the road ahead of you — as they completely disregard your fit of rage — are a must when inside a vehicle. How else are you supposed to think that others are inferior to your driving skills?
Always find room to squeeze yourself at the front of the traffic even if it means closing a whole lane. Screw those coming in the opposite direction. You've got places to be!
In the event of being stopped by a police officer for breaking an official road rule, kindly coax the man upholding the law with an enticing bribe. If you're a lovely female, — and by lovely I mean coming from/going to a club in an empowering outfit — flirt with the idiots and keep your money. Our cops be perverts like that.
pray for your life.
Remember: practice makes perfect.
3. Survival Tactic Number 3: The Best Kind of Kissing is Kissing Ass
Get your mind out of the gutter, you nasty perverts! This is a PG situation. But seriously, if you feel like your career is stagnating, or if you'd like to get some paperwork processed quicker than usual (which could take for-fucking-ever), or if you want to get in someone's pants (boy or girl, judgment-free zone. Go crazy!), you've got to learn to kiss ass (that last option fits into your disturbing fantasies).
See, speaking of the majority, despite our major lack of competencies in our respective jobs/roles, we still think that we're the shit. You might argue that this can be found everywhere.
I'd agree, then quickly rebottle. While some foreigners think they're the shit, they come in manageable numbers. I've never heard of someone not getting a job for being over-qualified except in Tunisia.
Business-mentality-wise, we're different. We'd rather keep our power and abuse it than prioritize the progress and prosperity of our companies/businesses. No wonder our economy is a laughingstock.
4. Survival Tactic Number 4: Lie Motherfluffer, Lie
This one is for males. We can get laid. Although it feels so much like mission impossible, Tom Cruise wouldn't want to get involved.
A couple of years ago, dating apps weren't used. Today, they are but not for their purposes. Shit's out of wack, yo *facepalm*.
Can someone explain to me why are you looking for friends on Tinder? It's TINDER!! The world's number one boom-chicka-wa-wa app.
Everyone who stumbles on these profiles knows that it's a big fat lie. Oh yeah I swiped right on your profile because I thought you looked friendly especially with that six-pack/those knockers lol
Lying, fucking pricks.
You can tell that I hold zero resentments.
But hey, if the ladies lie on their dating apps profiles, we lie to uphold nature's balance — he said, lying through his teeth.
To be fair, dating and getting laid aren't the only reasons our culture is built on lies. Of course, that area is where we've won several Olympic gold medals, but we lie to our friends, to our families, to the landlords, to the supervisors, to the professors, and to our pets when we've forgotten to buy their food and chose to buy beer instead.
Who needs a liver when you can lie to get a new one?
5. Survival Tactic Number 5: Make Friends Who Have Cars
I said make friends and not pretend to be friends. There comes a point in your life where taking public transportation will no longer be enough to take you places you want to go to.
By places you want to go to, I mean places (except the comfort of your own house) where you can fornicate, get drunk, have a shitton of fake fun with minimum to no judgment.
Think about it, if our public transportation system extended its routes to reach nightclubs, secluded cliff jumping areas, and awesome camping sites; private transportation systems would probably run out of business.
6. Survival Tactic Number 6: Find An Online Community Endorsing Your Interests
Maybe you're a pervert disguised as a wanna-be religious prophet asking girls to cover themselves up when you're secretly doing the rub-a-bud-dub to their pictures.
Maybe you're a nihilist with culinary interests looking for new ways to try new meaningless meals to fill the void that is your growling stomach.
Or maybe you're just a sad individual looking for a place where you can dump your depressive load for others to carry it with you (Shout out to Les gens tristes de la Tunisie Facebook group)
Whatever it may be, just find a place where you can bitch, ask for help, look for recommendations, or find hot guys/girls to add to your friends' list (Shhhhh, we've all done it)
7. Survival Tactic Number 7: Have At Least Two Coffee Spots
If you're a coffee whore like me — and I hope you are — then it would be a safe bet to have at least two coffee spots.
Why two at least you say? The first spot should be your cheap, air-conditioned, day-to-day spot where you can enjoy an inexpensive cup of coffee, and do you.
The second spot is for occasions. Maybe you're a guy looking to pick up girls. You can go to my spot in... Nah, find your own spot. Or maybe you have a date and you want to go somewhere nice with a scenic view.
Do your research. You must know your area.
8. Survival Tactic Number 8: Find Your Culinary Guilty Pleasure Spot
Tunisia the Green is notoriously infamous for so many things, and on top of the list is its fast food culture — Joey Tribbiani agrees.
Mlewi, Chapati, Malfouf, Fricassé, Tastira, Kafteji, My drooling mouth, etc.
Obviously, fast food options aren't for those trying to be healthy. Screw that, I want that orgasmic feeling as the first bite of Fricassé makes out with my lips and then proceeds to slip down my throat, tracing a glorious line of after-taste.
Excuse me, I'm going to get myself some Fricassé.
9. Survival Tactic Number 9: Surround Yourself With People Who Actually Give a Crap About You
If there's anything we, Tunisians, are good at, is using the word "friend" sparingly. What happened to the word acquaintance?
We hang out and around lots of people that we over-draw on our friendship quota. To put it in the nicest way I can think of: Wake up dumbass, ain't nobody got that many friends!
As you age and leave your cringy high-school period behind (God knows I did), real friendships unravel. I'm talking about those three or four in your life, besides your family, that would go above and beyond to be there with you whenever. It doesn't matter if the police got you in custody, if you got a girl pregnant, or if you got into a fight with your boyfriend and ended up cutting his wiener off. Your friends would sacrifice a limb to rescue you.
If you read this and no one came to mind, then you done fucked up.
This survival guide was made for Tunisians and those who want to get a taste of the culture, which explains why I didn't add more detailed yet obscure survival tactics. But hey, if you got more I haven't discussed and sound unique to Tunisia, share them down the comment section.
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